The other day I put the video of my communion, or rather I should say "post-communion" as it is one shot over and other food.
do not need to look much aware of my sad ... I was supposed to be a happy day and I remembered it as bad, although it is true that if you think a little more if I come moments of grief.
That day I cried. I cried because my mother was angry at me for something stupid and because I was sick of the photos (it was actually a sense of misunderstanding as a result of these) I see the video and I want to come and hug myself. I was the star that day, but do not look or a supporting actor, plus give an extra hit as it crosses the bottom, where there is no focus and few are able to notice his presence.
In reality that has always been my approach: to pass unnoticed. Few people remember my name and so many never get to know. It's my fault, I know I keep it and partly because I do not care too much. I prefer to leave their mark on a few (but always be a few regardless of the will) that all surface markings.
The fact is that video got me thinking. You really have always been so given to melancholy? Is that many times I get depressed without knowing why (sounds like ad packs, I know), well, deep down I know what happens, is dormant but latent, so I can not afford it but if I analyze the signal the situation always give to the cause.
There is not a scene tape that smile, not one. I know I tend to be serious but ... but I do not do both and do not think it's because I'm happier, but because I have been changing force to look more than anything. As a child I hated when an adult came up to me to wonder if he was angry, why should smile for commitment? Of course I had to modify a bit my dogma and accept certain "social norms." So now time to smile but not win, even if there is not even really a reason valid. It is more polite (say ... I consider it hypocritical to me) and it opens more doors.
pretend, pretend, pretend ... why do we feel so defeated by acknowledging our grief? We all cry, right? And we all have bad times, no one is perfect. What then? Appearances ... must be maintained. It is also a form of protection, not to show weakness, I guess ... but today I left the shell, just a moment.
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